Wednesday, March 29, 2017

I iz bored.

I iz bored and I dont like it.
ok this post is like transparent + opaque or...maybe i should just say that this post is translucent ? yeah.
so ummm..
"Biar aku buktikan dekat mereka aku pun boleh berjaya. Nanti barulah diorang tau aku pun layak..."
ok bla bla bla.
ayat kat atas tu.. bunyi macam determination kan? Or....more like...dendam? For me the ayat above is like 'Hah HAMEK kau'
Tak baik nak berjaya dengan dendam btw.
so i dont want to elaborate that story. Korang faham sendiri je lah.
nak cerita benda lain.
You father died 3 years ago... And since then this house. I mean this whole house has lost it's sparks. And it got worse last year.
You see... I am the youngest in my family.
I am alone.
I am lonely.
Very lonely.
Yes I do have friends but...
I can feel like my heart is like a puzzle and there are missing pieces.
You know.. I feel empty. I hate going on the same routine everyday. From day to night.
I hate it but I am used to it. Maybe this is why I am protective.
I just want to protect myself from getting hurt.
By anyone.
So, aku jadi defensive, sombong, bongkak, berlagak, socially awkward, cepat annoyed, loner etc. Actually I don't mind. Because they are the one who made me this way. But diorang tak sedar.
I feel so blessed because perangai aku yang macam ni lah yang mengelakkan aku dari nak jadi drug addict, bunuh diri, lari rumah etc. You see... I am socially awkward. It means I do not like getting out of my comfort zone. I will be friendly only to certain types of people.
I post this in my blog because heyy... I (sort of) don't have anybody now. Don't want to disturb my friends from all of my kecelaruanss. Kesian diorang.
Aku pernah bagitau Nisha about me, the whole story(well almost all of it actually). And I cried. In front of her.
I hate crying. I would feel vulnerable. I hate it.
'They' made me jadi keras hati.
I blame them of course but not secara total atau 100% tu kesalahan diorang. But boleh kira 70%-80% lah kot.
They never tried to understand me. They want me to listen to them. But they never want to listen to me. They never asked about me, how do i feel, whats my opinion etc.
Bila dah biasa hidup sorang-sorang and then when they suddenly decided to go out with me or spend time with me.. you know what i'll do and feel? Rasa annoyed. Rasa my personal space macam di-violate. Faham tak?
You can call me spoiled brat but you don't know me. You are not in my shoes.
I feel isolated. Maybe because I'm a burden to them. Let's just pray to god I will not commit suicide.

update 2017.
Sayangku Sarah. Kau dah nak 21 beb. lama kau hidup. tahniah!! aku nak bagitau kau satu mende. Kalau kau bunuh diri haritu, tahun 2015, takdela kau gi umrah.
alhamdulillah tak, kan?
Keep on fighting. you'll never know maybe next year more awesome things will happen?
I love you. keepfigthing.

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