Sunday, June 18, 2017

i'm mad.

i'm mad.

i am a cooled down hot tempered. sometimes i feel like it's coming out. dear god, why do people common senses are loosing?

i was in my blanket, trying to sleep because i almost got a fever, well, guess what, some people have the decency to bergelak ketawa in front of my door.

well, i tried so hard not to wake some people up when i get ready to class.

but they didnt even have the decency to keep their mouth silent when i was praying. dear lord, why?

dear lord, i'm not asking much. but please you know me. you know what i want.

i dont want 3 sem this year.
im tired. really am.

i want out.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Welp. This blog is exposed now.

Welp welp welp.
If it isn't you.




You tu siapa pun I taktau. Tapi kalau asalmu dari twitter, hi. Pekabo? Sihat? Tengkiulah save link saya. Sebab saya tengah tutup twitter sekarang. It's either you remember it, save it or you just google it. Either way, hi. I like you :) 

So you like the way I write things aite? Well what can I say. I can play your heart like a kompang with my writing. Woot woot.

Why I said kompang? Because I don't know how to spell benjo.
Is it benjo or banjo or....ranjau onak duri hatiku ini?


Hahahahahahaha. K yakde kena mengena.


K. I will be back on twitter. Soon. Kot. Hahahahahah. Selalu pun kejap delete kejap hidup twitter tu. Sometimes you have to disconnect yourself from outer world. From virtual world. My brain is not ok. But i hope it's getting better. Yelah, i have sooo many doubts in my life. Nantilah we get to the details.



I deleted whatsapp too. And intended to stay that way. Tapi apakah daya? Zaman sekarang pakai whatsapp je weh. Dahlah banyak commitment dekat whatsapp tu. Wui wui wui. Maka hiduplah balik natang tu.


So if any of you guys contacted me and I answered macam malas je, i'm sorry. 

I'm trying to patch things kejap.
I will be fine.
Been doing this for years.
I will be fine.

:)



**hapdet 18/6/2017. my twitter dipegang my friend because i asked her to. so yeah :)
Assalamualaikum.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

can I talk to you about death?

this post is going to be Bahasa Melayu and English.

Assalamualaikum. hi :)

Sebelum menulis, kita buat ritual dulu.
*Tiup habuk blog*
done!

Hahaha.

Hi.. Nak tanya, pernah lalu sebelah kubur tak? Rasa apa ek? Takut? Tetiba pocong melompat?
I used to think the same things too. But everything changed when my father died.
He died on 21st March 2010. 7 years ago.

The scar of loosing him is still here. in me. There are times, where I will question everything and I pray to god, the next person he should take is me, because I cannot bear loosing another one from my family. I'm useless anyway ahaha.

eh termelencong.

i wanted to talk about kubur. cemetery. last house that we will stay in until hereafter.

After loosing my father, for me a cemetery is just a place for your body to lie in. The place where every amalans will be questioned.

it's just a place.

not a place for ghosts.
not a place to be afraid of.

sooner or later, you'll be in there too.
alone.
no one will help you.
dark.
alone.



it's just a place.

the hantus? They are not spirits of the dead. no. they are just a creatures made to make you simpang from religion.


like i said. it's just a place.

one day if I die, please bury me near my father's grave.  Dungun :)
why?
because I don't want my family to scatter around if they wanted to visit us. bila raya, biar semua duduk satu tempat ha, baca yassin sekali je, niat terus. ehekk. boleh ke idok? Entoh le teman taktau. but bukankah lebih senang begitu?


sooner or later, i will tell you stories about how my father's death changed me. his death, changed my life. how I almost took a knife and .. :)




i know a lot of people who do not like me will come across this blog.
heck idc.
i'm open about my past :)

Thursday, March 30, 2017

I'm weird.

UPDATE 2017.

saje repost balik sebab aku comel. kbai.
hahahahaahah ni umur 17 punya post ni















I want people to read my blog but I don't want people to read my blog. You know what I'm saying?
I mean....... I don't mind if you read my blog but please just keep it to yourself. Don't tell me that you are reading my blog. I like being an anonymous. I want people who read my blog know that they are reading my blog but pretend like they do not read my blog.
Ugh.
Too complicated? Ok ok. Lets make it simple.
Do not tell me that you are reading my blog. Unless......
To be continued....
BHAHAHA k bye
Assalamualaikum.
BAPAK BESAR GAMBAR!! ANONYMOUS SANGAT. *tangan kat bahu* Sorry, I usually update my blog using my phone. Don't know how to resize it. If I don't feel comfortable with this picture, I'll remove it. Assalamualaikum :)

Let's talk .

So.. i checked my feedjit. (you can see it's over there, dekat bawah, kanan)
So.. Feedjit said that I had a reader from Ipoh, Perak.
Ada tiga orang yang saya tau dari Perak. One, Rabbit dia study sana. Two, my tuition teachers; cikgu Aidil & cikgu H a l m i e. oh oh one more, my cousin study sana. I hope Rabbit tak ternampak dia sebab dia sirius lee lawa and cantik, macam tiz zaqyah + heliza helmi + Yatt Hamzah + Ustaz Don .. eh eh bukan Ustaz Don tapi Irma Hasmie.
I hope you are not them.
Oh speaking of Perak, hari sabtu 17 Ogos haritu, pergi Perak jap. Ada orang kenduri. My mom punya sedara, anaknya kahwin.
Humangaihh sesat. Manjung, Setiawan, Teluk Intan.. Waduh waduhh.. Semua itu kami lalu.
Bertolak 5/6 petang something sampai pukul 10. -_-
Ok tu je lah kot.
Goodnight.
Assalamualaikum.
aku harap walaupun dgn menulis ini, mereka-mereka yg tersenarai kat atas takkan terjumpa blog ni.
kenapa aku jarakkan nama cikgu yg kedua tu? sebab nama dia unik/lain. Sekali wife dia google (manalah tau kan) nama dia pastu terjumpa blog ni pastu tanya husband dia, aku ni betul ke student dia(bukan aku nak kata she's jealous ke no. Maksud aku macam wife dia terfikir untuk tanya sebab saja nak tau, curios) , pastu cikgu aku pun terjumpa blog ni pastu dia terbaca beberapa post aku kat blog ni mesti dalam hati dia cakap "Heh Sarah ngok ngek jugak kau dalam blog, in real life (agak) normal"

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

I iz bored.

I iz bored and I dont like it.
ok this post is like transparent + opaque or...maybe i should just say that this post is translucent ? yeah.
so ummm..
"Biar aku buktikan dekat mereka aku pun boleh berjaya. Nanti barulah diorang tau aku pun layak..."
ok bla bla bla.
ayat kat atas tu.. bunyi macam determination kan? Or....more like...dendam? For me the ayat above is like 'Hah HAMEK kau'
Tak baik nak berjaya dengan dendam btw.
so i dont want to elaborate that story. Korang faham sendiri je lah.
nak cerita benda lain.
You see.....my father died 3 years ago... And since then this house. I mean this whole house has lost it's sparks. And it got worse last year.
You see... I am the youngest in my family.
I am alone.
I am lonely.
Very lonely.
Yes I do have friends but...
I can feel like my heart is like a puzzle and there are missing pieces.
You know.. I feel empty. I hate going on the same routine everyday. From day to night.
I hate it but I am used to it. Maybe this is why I am protective.
I just want to protect myself from getting hurt.
By anyone.
So, aku jadi defensive, sombong, bongkak, berlagak, socially awkward, cepat annoyed, loner etc. Actually I don't mind. Because they are the one who made me this way. But diorang tak sedar.
I feel so blessed because perangai aku yang macam ni lah yang mengelakkan aku dari nak jadi drug addict, bunuh diri, lari rumah etc. You see... I am socially awkward. It means I do not like getting out of my comfort zone. I will be friendly only to certain types of people.
I post this in my blog because heyy... I (sort of) don't have anybody now. Don't want to disturb my friends from all of my kecelaruanss. Kesian diorang.
Aku pernah bagitau Nisha about me, the whole story(well almost all of it actually). And I cried. In front of her.
I hate crying. I would feel vulnerable. I hate it.
'They' made me jadi keras hati.
I blame them of course but not secara total atau 100% tu kesalahan diorang. But boleh kira 70%-80% lah kot.
They never tried to understand me. They want me to listen to them. But they never want to listen to me. They never asked about me, how do i feel, whats my opinion etc.
Bila dah biasa hidup sorang-sorang and then when they suddenly decided to go out with me or spend time with me.. you know what i'll do and feel? Rasa annoyed. Rasa my personal space macam di-violate. Faham tak?
You can call me spoiled brat but you don't know me. You are not in my shoes.
I feel isolated. Maybe because I'm a burden to them. Let's just pray to god I will not commit suicide.



_________________________
update 2017.
Sayangku Sarah. Kau dah nak 21 beb. lama kau hidup. tahniah!! aku nak bagitau kau satu mende. Kalau kau bunuh diri haritu, tahun 2015, takdela kau gi umrah.
alhamdulillah tak, kan?
Keep on fighting. you'll never know maybe next year more awesome things will happen?
I love you. keepfigthing.

GRAMMAR KAU LARI MANA?

Haha guys, saya sedar blog ni ada banyak kesalahan grammar, ejaan. Etc.
I don't mind kalau korang nak tegur.
But maybe i will not edit the post lah walaupun setelah ditegur. Sebab saya malas. Tapi yeah tegurlah.
Btw, saya sedar masalah penggunaan is dengan are, present/past tense punya kesalahan banyak.
So i'm very sorry.
Mesti mata korang berdarah bila baca kan. Mesti dalam otak "heyy budak ni" or korang betulkan dalam hati semua kesalahan tu. Hahaha.. Aku pun lah... ;D

keep this in your mind.








takpe kalau kau tak dapat support from anyone. you are not alone. Allah ada. jangan sampai Allah pun tak support kau. masa tu lah kau betul-betul keseorangan.

Aku tak sombong eh, aku sombong.. eh tak tak. aku tak sombong. Hish. Aku pun tak taulah.....


hi nama saya sarah. sekarang saya nak mencecah 21 tahun. opinion ini tak valid sangat sekarang because i treat people equally now. just thought to repost this as dis shizz is funny. ni tulis masa tengah sekolah menengah kot. naluri rebel tinggi. ampun.




















Assalamualaikum.
Ok. Post ini sangat kasar. Tapi ini untuk lelaki yang TAK FAHAM aku.


Muka aku sombong. Garang pun ada. Maybe sebab aku jarang senyum. Aku takkan senyum for no reason. Sorrylah kalau aku tak balas senyuman korang. Itu antara, aku tak perasan, atau aku malas.



Tapi kadang-kadang aku tak senyum balik kat orang tu sebab aku dah cop dia sebagai annoying, kurang ajar, tak boleh dibawa runding atau lain-lain.



Satu lagi, kadang-kadang bila ada orang yang tak rapat dengan aku, especially lelaki, cuba nak buat aku gelak ke, senyum ke apa ke, aku akan buat muka ketat or senyum senget sebelah sekejap. Or worse aku akan buat muka and blah or jeling tajam and blah. First of all, kau bukannya rapat dengan aku. Aku pantang orang tak rapat dengan aku cuba untuk annoy aku. Maybe dia ingat tu sebagai joke. Tapi bagi aku tak. Bagi aku kurang ajar. Sangat kurang ajar. Aku kalau dah tak suka, memang takkan suka. Dah aku bagi sign aku tak selesa dengan kau, lagi mau tunjuk joke kau yang tak lawak tu? Lagilah aku menyampah heyy.



Please eh. Kalau aku dah start buat muka and stuff maknanya aku tak selesa dengan kau please back off dengan sendiri. And bagi aku, aku tak selesa, maknanya forever aku tak selesa. Haiyo. Susah betul nak bagi lelaki macam ni faham yang aku tak selesa!



Tak selesa. Sik selesa. Hish. :/


Kadang-kadang aku tertanya jugak, masa kat sekolah bukan ada belajar sivik and adab ke? Apasal lah boleh jadi kurang adab sangat?


Ada beza being sombong and tak selesa. Aku perempuan. Malangnya untuk kau, aku bukan macam kawan perempuan kau yang lain yang suka bertepuk tampar tak ingat hukum halal haram. Dan aku juga tak gedik macam kawan kau yang lain.
Tolong ye.


By the way, kadang-kadang aku sombong sebagai mekanisma untuk mengelakkan diri.
Bila memikirkan yang almost everyday kena hadapi orang macam ni, aku rasa macam nak pakai khemah je everywhere I go. Rasa macam nak jadi invicible. Itu sebabnya aku lagi suka duduk rumah. Berkurung dalam bilik. Buat hal sendiri. Plus, aku memang tak kisah kalau hanya ada aku. I mean macam..keseorangan. Aku tak kisah aku keseorangan.
Oh btw around girls, I am not that sombong. Lebih kepada malu actually. Nak tegur tapi malu. Hoho. So, sorrylah. :)
Btw aku dah mempunyai masalah ni since...tak ingatlah bila. Tapi lebih setahun maybe? Aku harap kau somehow jumpa blog ni dan tolong lah. Tolong berhenti buat aku rasa tak selesa.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Eye Contact.

Assalamualaikum :)

Eye contact? Do you make eye contact when you speak?

eceh ayat macam nak buat presentation. jap eh.
😀Komik from:

Sebenarnyakan, nak cakap benda ni dah lama dah. Tapi tak rasa macam perlu because my blog is so smol* (small) and tetiba nampak abam post ni, lantak ah, nak cakap jugaaak 

Aku spesis socially awkward jugak. Tapikan aku buat eye contact. hehe.

so dari pandangan aku, seorang yang selalu pandang mata orang bila bercakap, let me list certain things that you should know.

  1. Sebab when I look into your eyes and you look into mine, it gives me the sense of security. I know what you're looking.
  2. When you don't look into my eyes, it makes me feel insecure. let me tell you this, I have like banyak of pimples, when you don't look at my eyes, it makes me feel, "eh dia ni tengok jerawat aku ke?".
  3. Jangan ingat saya tak perasan mata awak lari pergi hidung saya, pipi saya. Perasan wak, perasan,
  4. "Macam mana kalau cakap dengan orang hot? Orang cantik? Nervous iolls" Eh, you think only you got crush/have to talk to hot people? No, we too need to have this conversation. Pi lantak lah. Pandang je mata. aku pernah short conversation, tanya benda bodoh je, merah pipi iols sebab heissohensemlikedaaamnson. Habis conversation tu, kawan pun cakap pipi aku merah. Kau bayangkan dekat library, lighting lawa, lagilah obvious pipi ku. Siap rasa panas-panas gitu pipiku.
  5. Berdasarkan contoh 4, ketahuilah, when you have trained to look into people's eyes, you can cover your "omg i like this human" blush. Percayalaaah~
  6. I like to control stuff. When I look into your eyes, I feel like I can control my eyes to you. you also should know how to do it. Jangan buat iols gelabah. you tengok hidung I kenapa? Tengok kaki I kenapa. please don't. I insecure and a control freak.
  7. Macam mana nak buat? Start small. tengok antara kening orang tu. or batang hidung. jangan juling pulak. hei! HEI! Jangan dongak over pulak!! 
  8. Jangan ingat orang seperti saya tak nervous. My hands can shake too. Peluh pun kekadang keluar kalau takut sangat. 



Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tu je kot. :)

Friday, January 6, 2017

2018

Next year, I will tell you everything.